BUXTON WATER

AT BUXTON FESTIVAL

July 2010

THE CAST

Rafi Hussain

Daniel Woolley

Adam Horvath

Frances Cadd

Katherine Winfield

Frances Martin

Rose Martin

Eleanor Moss

Rachel Sharpe

David Hutchinson

Sarah Hutchinson

Jonathon Levers

Alice Church

Amy Oxspring

James Thompson

Ruth Webster

Daniela Basuta

Danielle Bello

Nick Ward

Jade Ruston

GALLERY

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All   Nothing much happens on a Buxton day

Adam  Buxton Village is a mighty fine place

      Not fast or slow just a ready steady pace

      Where folks they come and go their way

All   Cause nothing much happens on a Buxton day

 

Jono  Now some would say that the Village was quiet

      No protests, strikes, unrests or riots

      Folks there seem content to say

All   That nothing much happens on a Buxton day

      (Adam whistles sheep dog, herd’s sheep)

Adam  That’s right folks cuz nothing much happens on a Buxton day

Adam  Take for example a recent year

      When the lambing was good and all in cheers

      The mayor said come folks

Nick  Let’s have a show, we’ll tell some jokes

Kath  I’ll slaughter a lamb 

All   Meh 

Ruth  I’ll roast an ox

All   Moo

Sarah I’ll bake a cake

All   Yum Yum

Each  I’ll change my socks

All   Pheeewww

Jono  Let’s celebrate this bumper year

Dan   I’ll have a bath,

Jade  I’ll brew some beer.

Adam  But then the thought came to their head 

(all run into cluster, wait for roses lead)

All   We can’t be arsed, we’ll stay in bed

      In Buxton…..

(C=Ensemble/Daniella    P=Jono)

(wait for cue from Katherine, arm up)

C     ‘till one day

P     How d’ folks

C     How d’ who d’ you? (FBF)

P     My name is the Prospector

C     How d’ who d’ you d’  do? (BFBF)

P     Well, I prospect

C     Prospect? (Look at jono)  Ooo. (Look to audience)  What’s that? (Look to         each other)

P     Well I prospect that there is gold in them there hills

C     Gold? (Look to hills, stage right)  Gold!! (Look at each other)

      Digging out a Buxton Cavern ‘cause we’re digging for the Buxton Gold

      Digging out a Buxton Cavern ‘cause we’re digging for the Buxton Gold

      We scritch and scratch and hit and bash and chisle and spit and curse (all       spit at audience)

      Digging out a Buxton Cavern ‘cause we’re digging for the Buxton Gold

P     Well some say that nothing much happens in a Buxton day and so it was in         the ’Gold’ mine. (Ensemble digging using instruments)

C     Mr Prospector

P     Yes Mam’ 

C     Now you said that there was Gold in them there hills

P     I sure did

C     Well we’ve been a scratching and a scatchinin and a hittinin’ and a               bashinin’ and chislin’ and a spittin’ and a cursin’, 

C:    but we can’t find any gold

C     The only thing there is plenty of is water

C:    W A T E R!!!

P     Folks, you ain’t found any gold, because (Ensemble lean forward) there           isn’t any

C     What!(raise up) But you said …..

P     Not the yellow nuggets you are looking for

C     Is there any other type of gold?

P     Well you said you found plenty of water.

C     We sure did

P     Well have you tasted that water?

C     No, (all think) we can’t say we have

P     Then taste the water folks

      (Daniella cues bllllll noise)

C     Hmmm. That’s sweet

P     And again

C     Hmm, that’s good

P     And again

C     Hmm, that’s great

C     Just what are you trying to say Prospector

P     Well just watch this

      (banjo used for transition between posh, professor and hill billy’s)

L     Oh God this London water taste foul

L     that’s because it has passed through 4 people before it got to you

L     Yuk! 

C     Mr Prospector, who were those folks

P     Those were city people mam

C     City people?  Are they from England?

P     They sure are, and did you hear what they said

      (Jono clicks)

C     Oh god, this London water tastes foul

P     And do you know what they do?

      (Jade walks forward pull bottle out)

      Jade I drink evian water from France 

C     Thank god for the French

      (jade chuck water to Mr Coffey in audience) 

C     They drink French water from France in England

P     So bottle your water folks (hat goes back on) and sell it to them. (Yehhhh)       Who said there ain’t gold in them there hills (Yeeeehhhaaaaa)

C     2,3,4 

      Bottling the Buxton water, and we’re bottling down you way

      Bottling the Buxton water, and we’re bottling down your way

      Tap it, bath it, splash it, cash it, gas it every day

      Bottling the Buxton water, and we’re bottling down your way

Adam  Meanwhile from the lands of the frogs legs and the snails, 1,2,3 

      (French music begins)

C     La, la, la la…

      Drink Evian Water

      La, la, la la…

      Good for your son or your daughter

      Sip it and Sup it and Swig it and Slurp it

      Guzzle it and Muzzle it and Bubble it and Burp it

      (repeat and begin to move as ensemble to stage right, rafi, Katherine and         Daniel move to stage left, repeat once more)

Piere May I present to you, Monsieur Evian and his beautiful assistant                 Mademoiselle Bubbles! 

C     La, la, la la…

      Drink Evian Water

Evian We have conquered the world with water. 

      Our water flows through the intestines of the rich, the famous and the           powerful.

Piere From Buxton to Bombay, Calcutta to Sidney, Evian water runs through the           kidney.

Mz.B  Oh Monsieur Evian, you are rich, you are famous, you are powerful… and I         love your intestines. 

Evian and my intestines love you!

C     La, la, la la…

      Drink Evian Water

P-    Meanwhile back at Buxton, the toffs were at the opera

C     Pizza, Spaghetti, dolmio, 

      bagetti, vespa, lagini, pppaaaaaaa

James ANNNIIINNNIII

      (All ensemble go into applause, bravo, bravvisimo)

Nick  I say, I say, I do love buxton 

Dani  Oh how I do love the opera

Nick  I say, I say

Dani  Again

Nick  I do love this buxton water have you ever tried it

Dani  No I don’t think I have

Nick  Well give it a try

      (glasses are on, Alll bbllllll, taste)

C     MMMMMMM, 

      SPLIFFING, SPLENDID, DIVINE

      By jove we must tell our friends in London

P     Now to stock exchange (rings bell)

      (spread out, all ensemble shout until next bell)

P      News just in Evian water sales have fallen

C     (all run back into cluster, wait for cue from rose) SELL EVIAN SHARES             (shout)

P     Meanwhile back at the Evian headquarters

C     (all walk to stage right, rafi, Katherine and Daniel walk to stage left) 

      La,la,la,la

      Drinking Evian Water 

Piere Mr Evian, Mr Evain

Evian For god sake what is it piere? What do you want?

Piere Evian water sales have fallen, Evian shares have collapsed

Evian Evian water sales have fallen, Evian shares have collapsed

      What is the meaning of this, what has happened Piere

Piere It seems that people have preferred this errr Buxton water

Mz B  They say it is spliffing (rafi repeat), splendid (r repeat), divine (r           repeat) 

Evian There’s nothing for it, we must invade England and conquer Buxton

      1,2,3

      (fanfare played x 3)

P     Meanwhile back in Buxton (ensemble play intro of song)

      Til one day the French invaded Buxton, unfortunately all the Buxton people       were asleep                

      so the only defence the Buxton had was..

C     Meeeehhhh

P     You are the last defence of England and Buxton   

C     (sheep mmeeeehhh to royal battalion)

P     Hot diggety damn the French have arrived 

C     (all shuffle to stage right) meeeehhhhh

Evian Ready, Aim, Fire 

      (Sheep all cower and mehhhh)

Evian This is going to be easy, the English are just sheep!

      (all sheep mehhh)

Adam  Rover, fetch me my pistol (dog give gun, pat on head and dog woof)

      (sheep mehhh to royal Britannia)

Evian Oh no the Englishman has a big pistol (French turn pistols to faces and           scream)

      Bubbles fetch me my big pistol

      (sheep meh royal battalion)

Evian Ahhhhaahhhh, ready (ensemble repeat), aim (ensemble repeat), fire (ensemble       repeat)

      Hang on, give me some more of that water, mmmm spiffin (ensemble repeat, 

      mmmm splendin (ensemble repeat)  mmmmm divine (ensemble repeat)

      I like this water, you try some of this water (squirt audience) it is             wonderful!!!

 

      (cue for last song ‘nothing much happens on a Buxton day’) All cheer at the       end.

Script

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